It’s very tempting to only blog when good things happen. To edit out the bad days, low moods, rough times and pretend that everything is all hearts and flowers and rainbows and sunshine. I’ve talked before about how life is not a show reel and in the interests of honesty I don’t want to pretend to be something, or someone, I’m not. I have been really, really struggling over the last week and finding life hard to deal with. A week of extremely long days with work (students from my school performed at the finale of the Brighton Festival and I could not be more proud) coupled with a horrible bout of PMT have knocked me for six and I have been struggling to make the right choices for my health. Sometimes I have failed to do that and I have beaten myself up about it and felt guilt and shame for eating things I shouldn’t. Aside from work and hormones I have also been really missing my husband. I am extremely blessed to be married to someone who has seemingly never ending patience and understanding with me and without his support, sometimes it is really tough. In these times of instant communication it has been hard to deal with the fact that I have been unable to even speak to him for a week and it is amazing how long a week can feel.
I tried really hard to be well prepared and take healthy food with me on set (see above), but I think it was the lack of exercise that broke me. For almost a week I didn’t go to the box and I can see now that had huge effect on my mental state. For some of that time I wasn’t physically able to go (if you are working 15 or 16 hour days and you can find the motivation to go to the gym before or after work you are a better person than I). This week I have been three times and it has been hard. I feel as though my body is made of rock, that I am running through treacle, that I am weak. But even though it is hard, it is better than sitting at home weeping into a box of chocolates whilst my cats look at me indignantly for not stroking them. Even if when I am there I am so hormonal that I can’t stop sweating just from the warm up, or I’m so grumpy I can’t even bring myself to talk to the lovely people I am surrounded by, it’s the right place to be (for me, maybe not for everyone else!).
This month I was Member of the Month at Reebok CrossFit Connect and when I read the newsletter I felt like a fraud because I know there are so many other people who are fitter, stronger and more committed than me. Today a fellow box goer and truly lovely lady got frustrated with herself for finishing the WOD last. She was using the same weight as the male coaches. When people were looking at her as she finished those last few reps they were thinking’what an absolute bad ass.’ I know because that was what I was thinking and she has been a constant source of inspiration to me since I joined. CrossFit encourages us to strive to be better, work harder, achieve more and we do, but sometimes we just need to get a little perspective. We set enormously high standards for ourselves but we have to remember that we are only human. Today I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I am on the right path and I am closer than I have ever been.
* Fellow CrossFitter Kay has written a lovely blog about how important CrossFit has been to her and her husband recently, whilst they have been dealing with some difficult health related issues.
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